Resolution

This year I was considering whether or not I should have a resolution. I sort of had one last year; well I had a post-it telling me to sit up straight. I say I might have been successful half of the time. Not a great success rate when considering whether I should take on a yearlong promise. However, circumstances led me to a resolution that I should be able to keep. Not because it is an easy resolution, but because if I am to be who I want to be, then I need to do this.

Originally, I had decided that my resolution was to be kinder. There are simple things like smiling to people when you inadvertently catch their eye rather than immediately looking away as though one of you has done something wrong, willingly holding the elevator for someone you know is running to catch it rather than pressing that close button as fast as you can, helping people you know are lost but are too scared to ask for directions. Simple decent things that often when you live in a city you close yourself to because you’ve got places to go and things to do. Living and working right in the centre of London it is so easy to block even the most smallest of human interactions out, this was the year that I was going to stop. And then it dawned on me.

Being kinder would not be enough. Yes, it would be a big step. I think those basic acts of human kindness can’t help but change you. They may seem small but it is easy to forget how much an unexpected smile can change a person’s day, particularly when it has been a long time since your day has been changed in that way. If I was going to try and be kinder, to be a better human being to others, then why not simply make that my resolution – be better.

So there it is. In everything I am and in everything that I do I will strive to be better this year. No small undertaking. There is a lot I do that I can improve on, not least of all my writing. That is one area in 2011 that I did not work on enough, and whilst I can say that I wrote every day, I am not able to say that what I wrote every day was of any substance. I will be better. I will be a better writer. I will be a better friend. I will be a better reader. I will be better with my finances. I will be better keeping in touch with people. I will be better with deadlines. I will be a better godparent. I will be a better person.

I hope I remain this resolute.

The Year that Was

What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Most recently, I trekked through virgin rainforest, gave a leech a hearty meal of my blood, cleaned out Orangutan and Sun Bear cages, sat behind a tribal Chief as we went through the Borneo rainforest. I’m sure there was other stuff I did in the year but it all seems so long ago now.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I still have the post it note on my desk saying ‘SIT UP STRAIGHT!’ I sometimes kept it. Mostly I tried. I’m not sure about next year.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
I think we’ve just had the one birth this year. My cousin (of sorts) welcomed a baby boy, Roman, to the family. Hopefully I get to meet him soon.

Did anyone close to you die?
My godmother, I have more than one, but she’s the only godparent who’s ever had a real presence in my life.

What countries did you visit?
European vacations dominated this year with trips to Barcelona, Paris, and Copenhagen. True to form, there was a trip to New York, however there was also a trip to a brand new place with an Ape Adventure in Malaysia rounding off the year.

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
More of my own words. I wrote something every day but I think I got lazy on some days, I need to be better, or at the very least as good as I used to be.

What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I really can’t think of one date. December 18^th perhaps, I stepped back without going backwards.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it out of the jungle, and being brave enough to lose it all.

What was your biggest failure?
I’m not sure this was a year of failure.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
You know I was probably pricked with a needle more times this year than any other. All in the interest in preventing illness though, they seem to have worked.

What was the best thing you bought?
Honestly, my iPod Touch. My first and only purchase of that type of fruit, I finally gave in. It kept me entertained in the jungle and since downloading Jenga and the Game of Life it has kept me entertained out of it as well. There truly is an app for that.

Where did most of your money go?
To the jungle! Perhaps not whilst I was in it, but certainly getting there.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting to see a friend on stage, I’ve seen her in things before but seeing her on stage, well that’s something to get excited about.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
Pretty much anything Adele. That voice, it will be timeless. If we’re going for one song then ‘Someone Like You’. Also, Christine Perri, ‘Jar of Hearts’ and its juxtapose, ‘A Thousand Years’. They may not remind me of this year specifically but they will remind me of the feeling.

My London

My heart is literally breaking over what is happening in my city. I love London unequivocally. I have seen other cities and I have experienced other cultures, some very different from my own, but I can say without a doubt that my heart is most at peace when I am walking the streets of London. The air here is different. The rhythm of the city beating its own distinct pulse through the buildings, along the river, and out through every street laid out due to necessity not the order of later cities learnt from our example.

The events of the past few days both sadden and anger me. Some are saying that it is the disenfranchisement of our youth that is causing them to act out in this way. Council services have been cut so they do not have anything to occupy their time with and the economic situation for them is bleak. I understand that, part of me even agrees with it. If there is no promise of a brighter future then, why not take what you want when it is there for the taking? Why work hard to earn enough for the latest high-tech gadgetry when throwing a chair through the window of Dixons and running off with all you can carry will have the same affect? Why? Because we are supposed to be better than that, that’s why.

When life gets hard we are not supposed to use it as an excuse to run around lawlessly destroying our own communities. We are not supposed to make our neighbours fear for their own safety. We are not supposed to destroy the homes and livelihoods we have spent so long and worked so hard to create. The disenfranchised youth with monetary incentives to stay in school and free travel; these are the people running around causing mayhem as they take pictures with their i-phones and Blackberrys.

On a day with blue skies and white clouds most Londoners would be out enjoying this momentary glimpse of summer. Instead, most are constantly refreshing their computer screens for an update on what the current situation is in the city. We are on tenterhooks waiting to hear what is happening around London. And I, like so many, have a heavy heart inside my chest as I see the actions of few, reeking havoc across the city that I love. It aches at the scenes plastered across newspapers and television screens as the world watches Londoners tearing London apart.

And what can we do? In the aftermath those that can have done what I knew Londoners would do, they have taken up their brooms and bin bags and are helping with the clear up. Others waiting until it is safe so they can go in and help clear away the broken pieces and help mend the broken lives of those affected, but what of the looters? Whilst the police and the politicians decide what action to take stories come in of people taking up saucepans and bats, whatever they can, to defend whatever they have left. Elderly people determined that they will not live in fear in their own city. This is the true face of London.

The looters are nothing but opportunistic scum. They have brazenly walked through our communities and neighbourhoods, along our high streets, and declared themselves above the law. This has nothign to do with what happened to Mark Duggan and the police shooting. This is about nothing more than causing as much damage as possible, to hell with who gets hurt. I hope each and every one of them gets caught and are punished accordingly. Raise my taxes to lock them up; right now I do not care. They have tried to destroy my city; they do not deserve to be a part of it.

All across London everyone I know is bracing themselves for another night of looting. Stores have shut early, shutters pulled all the way down and some are even boarded up. People have put their cars in garages. All plans have been cancelled. As we set in for the fourth night of possible unrest the 16,000 strong police force out on the streets brace themselves too. We wait for the sun to set and pray that tonight we are spared a repeat of the previous nights. Every Londoner listening out for the sirens and helicopters. Every Londoner looking on in disgust at the ones we have disowned. Every Londoner hoping that this madness is over and that their city can be returned to them.

40 Days

Fifteen years of Catholic School and I still needed to Google why it is exactly we give things up for Lent. I knew the general idea, Jesus fasting for 40 days in the wilderness. I’ll always tick the Catholic box but one of my favourite movies is Dogma, this probably tells you all you need to know about my faith. Still, I pray every night and I try to live my life in the way the God I believe exists would want me to. That’s more than many who claim to be devout can say.

I remember we used to get Lenten boxes in school that we were supposed to use to save all the money that we weren’t spending on crisps and sweets (potato chips and candy to the non-Brits amongst you). They were green and usually had something to do with CAFOD. It’s funny what memories you keep from your childhood.

We were often encouraged not to just give something up for Lent but to also take something on. I was never very good at either to be honest. It was always a case of saying I was giving up something that I wasn’t really a big eater of anyway. And even with the best of intentions, saying that you’re going to help more around the home and then dropping a plate every time you did the dishes quickly dissuaded your parents from asking you to be helpful.

For the most part, since I left school, Easter meant double pay if I chose to work or more recently a few extra days off in April. Easter eggs have always been a part of the season but most often because it meant I got a new mug to go with my chocolate egg that would usually sit in the fridge until someone ate it. The mug too would be relegated to a cupboard until one of my actual tea drinking friends would pay a visit. I roll my eyes at the thought of giving “Easter presents.” Really? At least there was a St. Nicholas (jolly or not) so those gift-giving roots are traceable. I don’t ever remember reading about a saint that delivered gifts at Christmas, and I didn’t need Google to verify that.

I’m not sure why I chose this year to decide to give something up for Lent. Perhaps it was the example of my friends. They’ve always exercised amazing willpower when faced with chocolate filled temptations. More though I think there is a need in me to be better, and that means not only giving up the junk but also having the discipline to stop bad habits. No more chocolate. No more crisps. No more biscuits. As when I was younger, I never ate any of these in excess but they have become the snack of choice.

One of my worst habits though has become my addiction to my Blackberry, it hasn’t earned the “Crackberry” name without good reason. The first thing I do when I wake up is reach for my phone and it’s the last thing I check at night. It used to be that if I was spending time with friends it would remain in my pocket, but recently that too has changed. I am a slave to that flashing red light. So it’s time to break the habit.

I spent most of last night discussing possible time restrictions and designated hours. However, the reason I got this phone was to make myself accessible to my friends at all times. I know I am not that indispensible that I need a bat signal, but it puts my mind at ease that should my friends need me then I can be reached. I am certain the purpose of Lent is not to make me constantly worry about my friends. So there will be no restrictions in place.

However, what I have decided is that during the job hours the phone will stay in my pocket. Out of sight will hopefully mean out of mind. There will be no BBMing or Tweeting after 12am on school nights (with the exception of ABM Fans update days and birthdays for the obligatory midnight tweet). When in the company of friends it will be set to show that I am not available.

I know that these goals are realistic. A year ago it was how I lived my life, and it’s how it should be. I’ve just lacked the discipline to do it. Jesus used his time in the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In 40 days I’ll have broken bad habits. In 40 days I will have my life back from that little red light. In 40 days I’ll be back to where I need to be.

The Puppy

I thought that perhaps if you love something then you shouldn’t need to walk away from it, until a friend told me about the puppy. Imagine you love it so much that you squeeze and squeeze this little pup. Eventually you smother it and what do you have? A dead pup and one heck of a guilt trip. Okay, so she didn’t go that far but that’s where my mind went. Instead she said you have to give the puppy a chance to breathe and give your arms a rest. Sometimes it’s okay to let go for a while.

For some time now I’ve been thinking that there aren’t enough hours in the day. With everything I want to do the only place I can see myself making any cuts is in my sleeping hours, and I don’t get that many of those. On my lazy days I am sat reading some book or another to help me improve on all the other things I have going on. I no longer enjoy the bus ride home because I walk in order to get some exercise on the days I’m not training and because I might come across an image for my Project 365. In the morning, when I’m not falling asleep, my journey is spent writing e-mails arranging more things to fill my time. I have to keep every tab open until I’ve done what I needed to do because my mind is so easily distracted by another task I have to do. It feels like my mind doesn’t have an off switch. My life is so very full. But I am falling out of love with certain aspects of my life.