I could pack a box, an actual box, not just a metaphorical one. I could put in my notebooks, my business cards, my interview chart, all of it. I could pack up every last bit of ABM and seal it in a box waiting to be looked at in later years when I’m sorting through things I can throw away. I could dust it off and open it up and look at the ancient pieces of me and say, ‘I did that.’ I was the Editor-in-Chief for a fansite for that show. Damn, someone should have realised how good it was. Someone other than me. Someone who could have done something.
When it was time for that “See you soon” moment with the actress, she looked at me and I could feel my heart breaking as she said, “You’re the last part of ABM I’m saying goodbye to.” She slays me. It has taken me a while to say my own goodbye. I am not sure I have completely, or that I ever will. I wrote the (last) update for ABM Fans last night. A review and a farewell. It took me two weeks to put those words to paper, I hope they were enough.
I will probably never be able to adequately say what ABM has given me, only to say that it has given me, me. It has brought people into my life who make me better, and who make me want to be better still. It has given me back a city I thought I had lost. It has shown me that I can still write, that my soul does not need to be tortured to create something that is honest. It has proved that I can be more. It has taught me that I cannot be, and do not want to be, Anyone But Me.