Monthly Archives: April 2012

“The time has come…”

In my mind, this poem has a line that goes, “The time has come to talk of grown up things.” It actually reads, “To talk of many things: Of shoes – and ships – and sealing wax – Of cabbages – and kings.” That sounds a lot more interesting than the things I’ve been talking about lately.

On the eve of another turning of age I feel more grown up than I ever have. That’s not to say I necessarily feel older, although I have counted more grey hairs lately than I would have liked. Sharing the elevator with one of the more senior ladies that live on my estate who shares the same birthday with me, I was reminded that I will never be as young as I am right now, again. As much as I may bemoan the fact that I am truly a 30-something, she is a 70-something. No contest really, but I feel very much a grown up now.

I have tried to deny it for some time, and I think I do a pretty good impression. I wear t-shirts with Sesame Street characters on – there will be one worn tomorrow. The concept of saving was a thing I sort of did and would do once I got the important fun stuff out of the way, like spending weeks in the jungle looking for apes. I have a grown up job but know that eventually I will get onto the real business of writing. The impression isn’t as good as it used to be.

I am waiting to complete on a mortgage – my grown up investment. I am making plans to settle down – I was told by my friend that she wanted us all settled by 2013, she may get her wish. I am postponing trips, saying that I’ll make them in 20…10…okay 5yrs if I cannot hold out that long, and having to actually save for a vacation – my grown up budgeting. When did that happen? It is not where I thought my life would be, even at the start of this year. Life proves to me once again that I should not count on making too many plans. I certainly didn’t plan on being this grown up.

To be honest, for the longest time I have believed my 32nd year would be my last. It isn’t a morbid death wish; I have just never been able to see me past that age. I am completely uncertain about what the year ahead has in store for me. All I have is that one constant – things will change. For the first time in so many years I feel myself having a touch of the mean reds. That feels very grown up.

I will meet this next year, and whatever it brings, the only way I know how, head on, knowing that I do not face it alone. I told a friend that I realised that I need the people I have chosen around me. He beamed at my realisation; finally I am starting to get it. I wish I could say it was my resistance to accepting that he is right, but I think it is more that these are lessons we have to come to in our time. I am still learning.

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Pack Up the Moon

I could pack a box, an actual box, not just a metaphorical one. I could put in my notebooks, my business cards, my interview chart, all of it. I could pack up every last bit of ABM and seal it in a box waiting to be looked at in later years when I’m sorting through things I can throw away. I could dust it off and open it up and look at the ancient pieces of me and say, ‘I did that.’ I was the Editor-in-Chief for a fansite for that show. Damn, someone should have realised how good it was. Someone other than me. Someone who could have done something.

When it was time for that “See you soon” moment with the actress, she looked at me and I could feel my heart breaking as she said, “You’re the last part of ABM I’m saying goodbye to.” She slays me. It has taken me a while to say my own goodbye. I am not sure I have completely, or that I ever will. I wrote the (last) update for ABM Fans last night. A review and a farewell. It took me two weeks to put those words to paper, I hope they were enough.

I will probably never be able to adequately say what ABM has given me, only to say that it has given me, me. It has brought people into my life who make me better, and who make me want to be better still. It has given me back a city I thought I had lost. It has shown me that I can still write, that my soul does not need to be tortured to create something that is honest. It has proved that I can be more. It has taught me that I cannot be, and do not want to be, Anyone But Me.

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