Monthly Archives: April 2010

Pick A Team

Some time this morning, or was it still last night? These past few weeks between Streamy Awards and 2am podcasts I lose track. Anyway, at some point in the last 24hrs Anyone But Me came back into my life, not like it ever really left but it officially came back. The last run of eps before what I’m sure will be a shout-at-your-screen-wake-up-everyone-in-the-house type season finale. If you want the short version then the Twitter-tary is as always at the bottom of the post, otherwise keep reading…

First thing’s first. I have to say a BIG BIG congrats to Rachael Hip-Flores on her Streamy Award for Best Actress in a Drama. I have nothing but love for this girl, and I have written several times on how talented I believe she is so when they called her name I was not surprised at all. Over the moon, yes. Jumping around like an idiot at 3am, yes. Waking everyone I know up with the news, yes. But certainly not surprised. Heartfelt congratulations to her, and also to Susan Miller and Tina Cesa Ward on their nominations. You guys will get them next year!

ABM's ladies - Susan Miller, Nicole Pacent, Rachael Hip-Flores, & Tina Cesa Ward

Anyway, onto ep7 – ‘Date Night‘. I don’t know why but that title struck fear into me the moment I heard it, possibly because it has connotations of drama. As much as I have loved seeing Vivian and Aster happy this season I have seen too much television to know that when your characters are most happy this is when you have to be most afraid. As Nicole Pacent said in her recent podcast, ‘The sh*t is going to hit the fan.’ Damn it!

It’s nice to see the other characters getting more screen time, especially Archibald. I admit that after Vivian and Aster he’s definitely my favourite character. What can I say? He rescued Vivian her first day in school and he loves comics. He’s a good friend to have in your corner. That’s a point actually, I miss Breck. I know we haven’t really been in NYC this season but it’d be nice for him to go and visit Viv in Westchester too. Anyway, I like seeing Archibald so hopefully he’ll be around some more for the rest of the season as he and Elizabeth finally seem to be on some good ground.

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The “3-Oh”

I had planned on being in Cuba on this day. Sat on a terrace in Havana sipping a mojito. I’m not a drinker but I figured when in Cuba, why the heck not? Instead, because of a big ash cloud that up until a few hours ago was holding everyone captive – I’m here. I’m not angry though, that’s not an emotion I’ve had much to do with this latter part of my life. Instead I think everything happens for a reason. Some have said that maybe I was going to get hit by a car in Cuba or something; perhaps so. I thought I’d need a full year to figure out the reason, but it’s taken me less than that. Perhaps it’s a sign I’m getting better at figuring out my life. Possibly. Maybe. This trip, my staycation, it is characteristic of how I would describe my life: It may not have turned out as I had planned, but it has turned out how it was supposed to.

There is not a day when I do not think myself blessed for the life that I lead. Yes there are moments when I wish things were different – more money in the bank account, a Triumph in the garage, a spacious place all to myself…but like I said – everything happens for a reason. This year, I think I needed to be here today. I needed to be in the exact place where the people who mean the most to me, that I mean the most to, were within arm’s reach. I was told recently that I have no passion. Where an old me would have taken those words to heart, searched for the validity of that statement, this me knows it not to be true. My family. My friends. Those who transcend any label anyone could possibly give. They are my passion. These people are who I am my very best with. These people who do not feel I am ever too much and am always enough for. These people who say to me, ‘You could rule the world if you wanted to.’ They are my love.

This year I chose thirty people, thirty of those people who have come to mean a lot to me, some over many years of having them in my life and others only recently, and I asked them to do something for me. I hope that they take my request seriously because I have never meant anything more. Because of them, because of the world they have shown me, because of the person they have helped me to become and shown me that I am, I can honestly say that today I want for nothing. There is no gift that they could give me that could mean more than what they have already shared with me. My request is the only way I know how to begin to repay them.

This age, a milestone, the digits have changed and I know that there are many more changes to come, but there are some parts of me that I hope will remain the same. After all, it’s taken me a long time to become the person I am. I do not fear tomorrow and I do not regret yesterday. I wish I could tell people how I had come to look upon my life in this way, there are so many that I hope will one day realise all that they have instead of longing for what they don’t. Life has a way of placing you exactly where you need to be, and it is not always where you expected you would end up. If you’re lucky, if you are blessed, you will have people around you who will make you laugh till your sides hurt, who will support you without judgement, and who will know who you are even when you don’t.

Thirty years. I must be doing something right.

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Eighty-Two

Every day. Every day at least some words. Always something. Random questions and continued conversations. I kept you company as you went about your day, I revelled in your exploits and listened to your stories. A morning greeting. A night-time wish for sweet dreams. The last person you’d speak to so many nights and my first on just as many mornings. Except today.

With no more words than necessary you tell me that you don’t ever want to be without me in your life. All those moments lost, there can’t be any more. I hear the request beneath the words but I know myself, I know you better.  I would never break a promise, so to you I would never make one. Instead I tell you all that I can, I need you in my life. As long as I know that to be true then I know I will keep you. Your words have troubled me for some time. You don’t ever want to be without me, but every other word you say tells me that you don’t know me. That me you do know, directly opposed to everything you are.

I ask you why you choose to keep me in your life. You tell me you don’t know. I don’t know why either, but I know there should be a reason. I will make no apologies for who I am. Not for you or for anyone. I have been shown that the very best of people choose to keep me, not inspite of who they think me to be but because of who they know me to be. Even if I doubt myself when I’m with you, I do not doubt them. Because they are in my life I know you are lucky to have me in yours. When I am blessed with them, that I choose you, speaks more of how I feel for you than any of my words could ever do. If only you thought enough of me to feel even a fraction of the same.

Eighty-two. Today the first of how many? No longer sure of the truth of my reasoning. No longer sure if I can stay.

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Open Book

“My life may be an open book but that doesn’t mean I have to read it to you.” This is what I think about my personal life. Talk to me and I am more likely to tell you of the lives of the people around me than my own. Get me to talk about myself and you are a very rare creature indeed. I don’t hide who I am but I don’t feel the need to broadcast it either…says the person who still averages 20+ tweets per day. Perhaps I should qualify, even if I won’t read the words to you sometimes I have been known to hold open the book should you care to read.

It reminds me of a line from Anyone But Me. It’s more than halfway through the first season and Aster and Vivian are arguing over the fact that Vivian is treating Aster as “the friend.” Quite rightly Vivian says, “I shouldn’t have to announce my personal life to people I don’t know.” Quite rightly Aster storms off in anger at being the hidden part of Vivian’s life. This is one of the many reasons why I love this show. You shouldn’t have to make announcements about who you are, but you should be proud of who you are.

Again today I was reminded of ABM. We were having drinks after the job was done for the week, drowning our sorrows in celebration that one of ours had gotten a permanent role on another team. Bittersweet. I heard people talking of the new guy starting next week and the word ‘slick’ is used to describe him. Two friends, a guy – possibly gay but who can tell these days, and a girl – possibly gay but who can tell these days, talk and laugh. ‘You’d better be careful he might try it on you.’ Laughter. ‘Yeah right, like that’d work.’ Uproarious laughter between the two. I leave you to decide which of them said what.

Watching the exchange, I wondered how difficult it is to have to come out again and again throughout your life, one of the questions explored in the show. Not just in terms of your sexuality, but any label. For someone, such as I, who chooses not to define themselves in terms of so many categories I wonder sometimes what labels are placed on me. Some things are obvious or loudly declared. Comic book reader. Filipino. Musical theatre enthusiast. Writer. ABM Super Fan. Traveller. I’m sure many other things are presumed.

You are who you are when no one else is looking, but when people are looking at you – who is it they see?

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