Monthly Archives: September 2009

Uninvited

In that place where your presence was always welcomed you come uninvited. I see your words and I don’t know what to do, so for the first time I do nothing. I let you talk, make your empty apologies and even emptier promises. You’re sorry. You’ve decided to give in and stop trying so hard not to have me in your life. You’re different now. A dozen times I’ve heard you say the exact same thing and a dozen times I’ve been wrong to believe you.

You keep talking, perhaps believing that eventually you’ll wear me down. That there’ll be one thing you say that convinces me you’re telling the truth, that reminds me of how much I do miss you. I see your words and none of them change how I feel. No longer even asking myself, ‘Why now?’ Simply trying to read the hidden meaning, what is it you want? I know that there’s something, you wouldn’t come otherwise.

Then I see the words that frighten me the most. You know. You’ve seen. These words make me pause, only I’m not frightened for myself or for them really, only that you know of them in my life. Your sole purpose to destroy any good that I have been fortunate enough to have, and this, the most good. You wouldn’t be able to help yourself, even if you tried – and we both know you wouldn’t.

I wake to find myself thankful it was just a dream. I have no more words left for you, they’ve all been spent. You’re not welcome here anymore.

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Filed under Revelation, Words

Leaving on a jetplane…

Jetplane

See some of you on the other side, see the rest of you when I get back. Be good.

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Filed under Far Off Adventures

Just put one foot in front of the other…

No more sleeps. Today’s the day I get on the plane on the start of my “Grand American Adventure.” As usual it doesn’t feel like I’m actually going, and I’m pretty sure there’s something else I should be doing other than this, but I’ll sit for a while.

I told myself that I would never do this trip this way again, not West to East. The world’s are too different and I know in which I have been most welcome and where I have found myself left for dead as people groaned at the inconvenience of having to step over me. Still I go.

Time and circumstance has lead me to this adventure. Those people who I count amongst my favourites scattered across the globe and a need for me to see their faces once more. Part of me fearful of the days before me. I exist here in a world where I know no one dare do me harm for fear of reprisal from those who hold me tight. Funny, it is because of them that no one could ever hurt me. My own forcefield.

I venture out of it now. Testing myself to see how strong I am without it. I don’t do it blindly, each step someone there to catch me. The last one always being the hardest of course, how I will fare in the place that has claimed so many victims; so often me. But there’s where my secret weapon resides, my greatest protection, my biggest smile. Cowardice perhaps that my greatest danger knows nothing of my return, but I have learnt enough to know that one does not pull the tail of the dragon without their armour.

Too many items on my to-do-list remain. I’m afraid to look at it in case I see something I absolutely should have done and that I no longer have time to do. Batman will have to wait for my return, as will so many others. It’s always good to have something to come home to, and I have so many somethings. It’s getting harder and harder to leave this place, even though I know my return will be all too soon. Those on this side of the ocean making themselves so very necessary in my life.

Enough, I want more but there is no more time. There are instead last minute checks to make although I’m sure something will still be forgotten. There are suitcases to load and planes to catch and an adventure to be had. I am leaving on a jetplane, but I will be back again.

Until then…don’t ever doubt that I don’t miss you.

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Filed under (In)sanity, Far Off Adventures

11 Words

They are…

Before I even knew the concept of having a five I read eleven words and I knew that the person who wrote them would come to mean something. Our timing was imperfect, I’d already decided not to return, I had spent too much on that place already. They would never ask that of me though, they would never ask anything. That’s why we work.

We speak the same language, and it is one of few words. No more were ever needed. They are the only one with whom that’s ever been remotely true. For two such as us, where words are so much a part of whom we are, that would surprise most. I’m certain that if the words were added they would not even form a short-story, yet they know more of me than people I’ve shared lifetimes with.

Never once saying ‘hello’ or ending with a ‘goodbye’, instead we have an ongoing conversation that’s spanned years. There is no logical path to our thoughts or our questions but they make sense to us. No need for translation.

I understand the way they think because I’m wired the same way, and that frightens me sometimes. I know that darkness too well, and where I know that I have people who can take me away from that, I don’t know if they do. I’m saved from myself but it is all too tempting to not allow that to happen. The very definition of our own worst enemy.

They have seen me smile big, and because they have seen the making of those scars that run from the back of my mind to the core of me through my own eyes they understand the significance of that. I wait for their moment. I hope that I am there to bear witness.

In their presence I feel as though I should be more, that I should know more, that I should see more, because they do. I quietly listen to them talk and they have no idea how I am smiling inside for no other reason than that I have them in my life.

There are moments of absence. When we allow each other the time to retreat into our own headspace knowing that when we are through it the other will be there. Without question and already knowing the answers if not the detail.

We are each other’s unfinished letter. We are each other’s most treasured books on the shelf. We are each other’s silent companion as we jump in puddles.

To them I am necessary; to me they are my wings.

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Maze

maze

Maze

This is pretty much what I was trying to say in my last post, only with less words. Brevity was never my strong point.

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To Everything There is a Season

More than a few years ago now when my system decided to scream at me, ‘You can’t carry on this way anymore, it’s not what your life should be!’ I was hesitant to listen. So it shook me harder, and it continued to until I could do nothing but listen.

Lesson taught I realised I had to change. It wasn’t easy, I’m stubborn. I needed to be taught the lesson a few more times, and I was. That’s the great thing about time, it’s incredibly patient. Eventually I began to recognise the signs myself, and when I knew that my life was once again on the path it shouldn’t be, I was able to change my course.

Where I find myself today is perhaps where, in hindsight, I would have chose to be; but had you asked me 10yrs ago I’m almost certain I would not have chosen this life. I’m glad that whatever force is out there, knew better than I.

No doubt there are parts of my life that can be improved. I could be healthier, I could have more in the bank, there are things that I would’ve liked to have done by now that I haven’t, but I can honestly say, I don’t think I could be happier. How many people, whether they are where they thought they would be or not, can say that? If I was where I expected to be, I don’t think I’d be one of them.

I’ve always felt that everything had a reason, and it may not always be a good reason, but there is usually a reason. More and more I see how even the smallest of choices causes a ripple in our lives whose affect often goes unnoticed.

One summer you choose to go out to dinner spontaneously with two friends. They drag you into the Apple store and set you up a Facebook account. You write some words in your info and forget to change them. One Christmas you click on a link on a website you can’t even remember how you found but now visit regularly and your interest is sparked by what you find.

In the spring you’re having Starbucks and another friend is trying to convince you to join this new thing called Twitter. You’re not entirely convinced coz you’re still loyal to Tom and haven’t even fully embraced this FB thing yet. Perhaps you’ll give it a try.

Months later you fulfil a promise to ensure another friend has at least one vacation that year. This friend who you hardly knew over a year ago who is friends with someone you went to college with whose friendship was restarted because you needed a code. Someone else you considered to be your friend lets you down one too many times, the way they are always guaranteed to do. You take a seat and pull out your phone.

All these things: the dinner, the words you wrote, that link you clicked, the decision to go back to the scene of the crime, the premiere you decided to go to, the person that let you down, your need to take a seat. Isolated none of them hold any significance. Combined, all contributing to where you are right now and very much a reason of why now, all it takes is a single thought for your smile to return.

Whether any of these things would have happened had other choices been made I can’t be certain. Not only my choices influencing the outcome but also others. Why they wanted to know why you weren’t talking in a conversation full of strangers.What words caught their attention and made them intrigued enough to find out more. Why they made that call. Their reasons remain unknown.

I’d like to think that no matter what my choices then the people who are in my life now would still be there, but perhaps I would not know them the way I do now. Most definitely they would not know the me I am today.

I don’t have the job I thought I would have. I don’t have the bank balance I wish I did have. I don’t have the circle of friends I expected to have. Those first two I still have time to change, that last one, I wouldn’t want to change. The people I have in my life are the very reason I can smile with just a single thought.

I live my life with a single regret, but still believing that there is a time for everything so perhaps I will be granted a second chance and even that will be erased. If it should’ve been then it would’ve been, so you should let life take you where it takes you, and believe that you will be where you need to be when you need to be there. Like me, you may not end up where you expected, but chances are you’ll end up where you were supposed to.

I have chosen happiness, and yes it is a choice. My words are no longer laced with a hidden darkness, but when there is need of it I am reminded that I can be a different writer each time I need to write. I have a veracious appetite for knowledge, if I don’t know the answer I seek it. When I look at the people in my life I often feel as though I’m not enough, but that is only because I feel they deserve more, and because of them I know I can be.

My life is at it is for a reason, and my life is so very very full.

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Filed under (In)sanity, Random

Hurt Locker

“The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug.”

I thought it would be easier somehow. It’s been years since you came back. Those days were a lifetime ago and you’ve never spoken of them since, then we don’t speak of much these days. But even then, back when that place was your life I made a conscious decision not to talk to you of your reality. That was my purpose then, to take you away from the choice you had made. One that I had never understood; I still wonder if you did.

The images on screen act as too potent reminders and I can imagine you there. Those same bathroom blocks where you would have brushed your teeth each night. Running water. Small comforts. Makeshift rooms with walls covered of anything that tried to remind you of what was waiting for you when you returned. Almost like college. Pieces of plywood propped up against windows. Little protection from what could attack from outside. Bottles of water I imagine that must be replenished every few hours. You need to keep hydrated. It’s the desert afterall.

I prayed for you every night you were in, and even for some nights after. Prayed that you would be kept safe. Prayed that you wouldn’t do anything stupid. Prayed that you wouldn’t get hurt. I never told you, you would’ve told me I was over-reacting, and you could have been right. I’ve never been able to not worry about you. Some of the people you let into your life, there’s little wonder. Perhaps that was where I went wrong.

I kept on waiting for you to make a mistake. Expecting it. Already braced for when it would come, for when you needed me. Always trying to hear what it is you weren’t saying, what you were hiding from me because you knew how I would react. Of course you would, because that’s all you ever knew of me. That person who always worried, who always showed up when you asked, who never knew how to say ‘no’ to you. No perhaps about it, I’m certain now. My own personal hurt locker, because that’s all I ever allowed you to be.

We both got out, eventually.

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Filed under Tangent, Words