Monthly Archives: October 2009

Voluntarily Gone

Exactly a year ago today I was preparing for that tomorrow I’d waited a lifetime for. In many ways I can’t believe a year has passed. At other times it feels it’s been a lot longer, so much has changed since I have been back, and I suppose a lot has stayed the same. Such is the nature of all things. When I think of the changes I have made it does feel like a lifetime ago, but ever since I started this evolution that’s how so much of this life feels.

Cambodia was that moment I had always put off, until it came to the point when I didn’t want a tomorrow anymore where I thought, ‘If I’d only done it when…’ That’s where I was headed, and in that year I had already made so many choices that I did not want that to be my path. So I finally did something about it and I booked my ticket and I didn’t look back.

I still find myself unable to talk about it and feel as though I have said enough. All I know is that it changed me, the way I knew it would. Perhaps that’s why I waited until I was ready to be different to make the trip. Thankfully though I had the sense to write my thoughts down at the time. I had intended on editing them, adding pictures, making them into more of a journal. So much time has gone and my memories are over full. So I’ve left the second week as it was when it was written, its raw format. Scattered thoughts I had to write down because I knew I’d forget otherwise.

I haven’t read these words in so long. I haven’t even looked at the pictures. Finally uploaded so others can have the smallest of glimpses into a moment in my life when so many things fell into place. Where I first felt my peace.

Voluntarily…Gone

Leave a comment

Filed under Far Off Adventures

Seven Year Theory

Today a friend of mine enters the next stage of his evolution. Another 7yrs has passed and I wonder how different he is from who he was at his last phasing. He’s a father now, albeit to an overactive Jack Russell/Border Terrier mix who destroys everything he can get his teeth into – and that appears to be most things in his once pristine home. I know that fatherhood has brought him new challenges and at times he questions his decision, but deep down I know that his “baby” is a welcome addition to his life. It’s certainly brought us laughter as he tells us of Benjamin’s latest exploits. But how else has he changed?

I remember how I wrote of my Seven Year Theory at the time of my last evolution. I was so thankful for everyone I had in my life, and I really didn’t think that I could even dare to hope to know better people. Now, at the mid-way point of the second year of my evolution I couldn’t be more happy at how wrong I was. I dared my 29th year to try and even compare to my 28th (possibly my favourite of all my years), and half way through, it has answered that challenge. So far. Of course there is still time to go, but should things take a turn there is still so much I will remember this year for and feel nothing but joy in my heart.

18 months. At the start I saw how much I had changed in my 7yrs. If I keep on as I have, will I be able to recognise the next person at the start of my next evolution? I don’t know, but I do know if I do keep on as I have, that person will have the very very best of people around them and the biggest of smiles on their face. Because of who I have in my life today, I can’t wait to be the person I’m going to become.

Leave a comment

Filed under (In)sanity, Revelation, Words

Wallflower

They are…

I’d joked that eventually someone would have to come into my life that was the complete opposite of the one who had come before. That person I had let dominate my life, without regret on my part, who had proved themself to be less than any potential I saw in them. At some point someone would show up and be everything they weren’t, my reward for time served. Only I never quite believed it.

In a moment when I acted most (un)like myself, I invited them in. Something within me knowing that though they owed me nothing, they would never disappoint. How right I was. In the moments before and the moments since, we came to know each other through captured glimpses. Their presence in my life unmistakable. Even those that did not know of them, knew something else. They saw what I did not want to be too quick to admit; I had found a true friend. Someone who saw me the way they did. Someone who would come to show me my own worth.

Words are easy. Stories unfold with nothing hidden, no detail glossed over because I am afraid of what they will think, or of what judgements they will make. Laughter. Actions that are undeniably and uniquely them. The kindest of hearts. Situations that could only be a part of their life. A comedic reel playing out before me like my favourite comic strip on a Sunday afternoon. I find myself, for the first time, giddy. Shared thoughts and memories lived separately. No need of explanations, everything understood. A secret code spoken only by the cool kids.

Because of them I know of beginnings. Not just of others but my own too. I look at the people around me and I remember how they came to be in my life, and how, if the story is followed – how fortunate I am to have these friendships. Our own story too, equally unexpected. One of my favourites. On that day, in those moments, I was probably more myself than I ever was. Their presence in my life not changing who I am, but instead finally convincing me that who I was has always been enough.

Sometimes I fear I step too far, that I am too much. Their smile reassures me. My past insecurities betraying me as I re-learn that sometimes there are no limits. That there are some with whom you can simply be, and that person will be embraced in the biggest hug. So much for me still to learn. I am better.

We accept the love we think we deserve. Because they are in my life, I know what it is to feel infinite.

And how I smile.

Leave a comment

Filed under (In)sanity

Sustained

I have been home almost a week. Soon those, ‘This time last week…’ moments will have passed. This time last week I walked city blocks as I continued an unending conversation and warmed myself on pumpkin spice. This time last week I weaved through a Columbus Day Parade and wondered at how young they were that they had not seen ‘Mary Poppins’ before I was too fast at Jamba Juice. This time last week I said ‘See you soon’ to that city I had too often said ‘Goodbye’ to.

Slowly falling back. Resenting routines rather than finding comfort in them, because that’s not life. So many days lost in auto-pilot. I try not to repeat that mistake. I take time to see, to really look. I forget how much I love this season. The winter sun before it turns grey. My city finds its beauty in this light. This place, always home.

I still ache for those I got on a plane to share a meal with, I know that when it’s time the water will soon become a street again and it will be crossed. There’s a reason I return though, several reasons. Those that keep me sane by bringing me chaos and laughter and surprise. I have missed their faces and my arms have missed their hugs.

My smile. Not that joyous rapture that once captured me, but still a smile. More easily kept, though it would have been truly something to have been able to burn that brightly for so long. I did not fear that I would have eventually burned out, I do not think I would have, only that I would have soared too far. I need to stay close, because that’s the source.

So now a more quiet contentment, felt from the core. That same core where the scars ran so deep. Having had those moments, and realising that there are more to come, I will always be able to find my smile again. This knowing will sustain me. This peace will calm me. This warmth will nourish me. This life will bring me happiness.

The single greatest thing I missed the most about home/that I miss about being away: spending time with you. I’ll see you soon.

Leave a comment

Filed under (In)sanity, Words

Anyone But Me

Please vote for ‘Anyone But Me’ in the Best Online Video Web Series category. Every vote counts. It’s an amazing show and if you haven’t seen it yet then the link is to your right under the ‘Places I Visit’ section.

Leave a comment

Filed under Fanaticisms

Empty Frame

I wrote ‘Empty Frame’ 5yrs ago. I’m not sure what made me go back to visit it now, I tend to put things on paper and leave them be. The need for the thoughts to be anywhere but my head more pressing than anything else. I’d even forgotten how it ends. Reading it now I suppose something in me knew that eventually it would get to that point. I’m not sure the ending rings true to the story being told as much as it fits the story behind it, but at the time it was written I can remember why I ended it that way.

It was my first and pretty much only attempt at writing a screenplay. I have thought about writing another, but rather than rushing through the process and producing something mediocre I join that league of writers with unfinished masterpieces – so described because until they are finally complete they always have that potential for greatness, and in turn so do their authors. That’s possibly why so many things remain unfinished.

This though, this is finished. By no means a masterpiece. It’s not my best, and not my worst. It is rough around the edges and there are more than a few mistakes, not simply in its presentation but also in its pace, structure, characterisation, dialogue…pretty much everything. It is something I am glad I finished. I think I am finally finished with this.

Empty Frame…

Leave a comment

Filed under Writing

Irrational

I don’t understand. Your actions confuse me. I want to ask you why. Wrong. I actually want to ask you a dozen other things first and then perhaps there’ll be a why. I won’t though because I know the answer. I know it because it is the simplest, most logical explanation, and yet I am having to repeat it over and over again in my mind to convince myself it’s the truth.

There is no ulterior motive to your action, there is no motive at all. Your actions simply are what they are. You don’t know that you’re causing this reaction, because if you did you’d stop. After laughing and telling me I get into my head too much sometimes you’d stop.You’d smile and just shake it off as another one of my idiosyncracies and go back to saving me from myself the way you always do, again without even knowing.

I know you’re not them, that you will never be them – because you could never be that cruel, but what you’re doing, it’s killing me. You have no idea and I’ll never tell you. What I feel is completely irrational. Emotions I have no reason to feel. Irritation. Jealousy. Frustration. The things running through my mind. Replaying actions. Trying to decide what it is I did. The moment I stepped too far. The words that were too much. Maybe not even mine. Someone else. Someone who doesn’t know me and doesn’t know you who needed to try and understand this when it doesn’t need to be.

I can’t help but think that they did this to me. I want to blame them so badly for making me think that every good thing in my life could turn into something so ugly, but I don’t think it’s that simple. Perhaps I don’t want to admit that they could touch even this, but if I don’t then that means that this is me. That the thing that can see darkness, even in you, is me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Words