Feeling so much more of everything. Channeling the characters I have come to know through the pages, I imagine myself invincible. Able to leap tall buildings and run at incredible speeds. I move differently. Positioning myself between those I need to protect and the perceived danger, the need to defend is overwhelming, as though I could in any way stop it. Standing still, statue like, watching each movement. Contemplating the next move.
I find myself strangely thankful I am not extraordinary when I feel myself this way. How I’d over-react at the slightest provocation. Fly halfway round the world just to make sure they were safe. Smash my fist through a wall when the mark was overstepped. Self-combust as I tried to hold the anger in. I cause myself enough trouble without the super powers.
I’m worrying too much about things I cannot control. I feel myself slipping back though there are hands holding on to me to make sure that I don’t. I find myself searching for that one voice who I know could save me completely, and I resent myself for making them that. For placing that burden on them when they have already done so much, for allowing this part of me to surface again.
Still, that one sure action I know would signify I’d lost too much. Still I resist that. Still that something keeps me in check. I know not to do that. No matter how much I feel, no matter how much I wonder. Shivers. I still get those shivers. There are just some things you can never return to.
Filed under Tangent, Words
A shared name, but more than that shared. That futile search hoping what you know not to be true, that there could possibly be someone else. Hurting to see you there, but that smile still the most yearned for sight. That need to stay by your side, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how often you were told it was madness to remain, no matter that you knew there was no denying their fate did not lie with you.
Their request that they stay, yours only that they show up. Wishes granted to you both, but with a price. They can no longer remain who you believed them to be. Envious that at least they had a certainty of who their person was, all you had was who you imagined them to be, who their actions made you believe them to be. Where they were never wrong, you always were. Their loss far greater, to that yours could never compare.
Never belonging to you, but you always tied to them. Unable to ever explain it, those most likely to be able to understand it, never needing reason: this is simply how it was. No more. Time to step aside, and in doing so prove you loved them most. You loved enough to walk away; to give them what they thought would make them happy. That was all you ever wanted.
Take one step. One foot in front of the other. Soon you’ll be far enough to not hear their heartbeat and they’ll be too far behind to not hear yours break. Let it begin now. One foot in front of the other. Their hold loose now, unaware that you’re able to make good your escape. One foot in front of the other. Go.