Category Archives: Words

Old Demons

I can’t help but think of you these last few days. Every thing you ever said was wrong with me, they see it too. Only it’s no longer an issue. Where you told me that I never let you into my life, they say that too. But then I open the door. When you said that you didn’t know who I am, they say that too. Yet I find myself answering their questions. When you would tell me that I needed to do something more with myself, they say that too. I know that it is because they think I can be more and not because they need me to be.

All that time you spent, I told you I listened. I heard everything you said, if only you hadn’t been bashing me over the head with who I am at the same time, you might have noticed. I was who you wanted me to be. If you hadn’t pushed me to the point where I had to push you away, if you had shown me in any small way you wanted me in your life, if you had only believed in me the way I did in you.

…I might still be yours.

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Step Back

I haven’t updated my MySpace profile in over year. It is still one of my start-up tabs but I never look at it. Today I chose to. I read the words I placed there and as I did I couldn’t help but think I seemed to have more sense of who I was then. In between when I wrote it and now it feels like much has changed, but I couldn’t tell you what exactly.

There are things I knew then that I appear to have forgotten. Clarity that somehow became clouded. Steps I had taken that I appear to have gone back on. I need to figure it out again. The knowledge is there somewhere, perhaps it’s time to clear things out of my head in order to give it space to come to the forefront. First step, back to my homework.

“I used to think that it was enough to not be unhappy, and some days that is enough; but it’s no way to live. I think that once you decide what it is that makes you happy then that’s a third of the battle won. The other thirds being making that your life, and keeping it so. None of these tasks are easy.

It’s taken me a long time to figure what it is, and who it is that makes me happy, and I don’t think I’m done yet. That’s not to say that everything I choose to keep in my life always makes me smile, sometimes it’s hard and a little more work than I would hope, but I’ve tried to live without some parts and I’ve learnt that I just don’t function without them.

I’ve stopped running after certain things, maybe with age I just can’t do it anymore. More though I think that when we stop chasing that which eludes us, if it’s supposed to be ours then it’ll stop and wonder where you’ve gotten to and come and find you. Sometimes it takes our absence for people to realise that we matter. Sometimes it takes their absence for us to realise that we no longer need them. Those that are in my life are there for one simple reason – I choose to keep them.

I’ve never been one for big gestures or outbursts. I keep a lot of what I think and feel to myself, and that isn’t always a good thing, or a bad one at that. Sometimes a person’s actions will illicit little more than a raised eyebrow, and sometimes the smallest of things will cause me to get up and leave. I hope that through my actions, if not my words, those that matter know that they do.

When I was younger, one of my teachers said that they’d love to know what goes on inside my head. It’s really not that exciting in there. I’m not that complicated. I smile at the simplest of things. I am moved by the most basic of human gestures. Though I try not to, I can get angry over the most seemingly inconsequential matters. Sometimes I spend too much time in my own head. I can, and have, been hurt deeply by those that I care about the most.

I think that everything happens for a reason, not always a good one – but a reason none the less. Just when you think you’ve started to understand how it all works and who people are something might happen that will surprise you and you won’t know which way is up anymore. I believe a person should treat others as they would want to be treated. At times I forget that and I’ll say things that I later wish I hadn’t.

I’m not perfect, but I’ve never intentionally tried to hurt someone. I would never want to be that person. I try to be the best person I can be; some days are harder than others. What I expect of myself is far more than I would ever ask of others. That is my choice, as are many things in my life. I’m just me. No more, and certainly no less.”

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Benjamin Button

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Eighty-Two

Every day. Every day at least some words. Always something. Random questions and continued conversations. I kept you company as you went about your day, I revelled in your exploits and listened to your stories. A morning greeting. A night-time wish for sweet dreams. The last person you’d speak to so many nights and my first on just as many mornings. Except today.

With no more words than necessary you tell me that you don’t ever want to be without me in your life. All those moments lost, there can’t be any more. I hear the request beneath the words but I know myself, I know you better.  I would never break a promise, so to you I would never make one. Instead I tell you all that I can, I need you in my life. As long as I know that to be true then I know I will keep you. Your words have troubled me for some time. You don’t ever want to be without me, but every other word you say tells me that you don’t know me. That me you do know, directly opposed to everything you are.

I ask you why you choose to keep me in your life. You tell me you don’t know. I don’t know why either, but I know there should be a reason. I will make no apologies for who I am. Not for you or for anyone. I have been shown that the very best of people choose to keep me, not inspite of who they think me to be but because of who they know me to be. Even if I doubt myself when I’m with you, I do not doubt them. Because they are in my life I know you are lucky to have me in yours. When I am blessed with them, that I choose you, speaks more of how I feel for you than any of my words could ever do. If only you thought enough of me to feel even a fraction of the same.

Eighty-two. Today the first of how many? No longer sure of the truth of my reasoning. No longer sure if I can stay.

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Promises

You tell me that you don’t ever want to lose touch with me again and in return I tell you that I need you in my life. I can’t be who I need to be without you, so I’m not going anywhere. Only the person you don’t want to lose touch with, I’m not sure I’m that person any more. If I’m not, then surely my promise isn’t broken. My promises to you, the only ones that are only ever at risk.

In those quiet moments, in the spaces between the breaths, that’s when you come to find me; that’s where I am always waiting for you. When you no longer hear the words you need, you listen for my voice. When you cannot see your worth, I show you what I see through my eyes. When your life is not what you want it to be, I offer you mine. Unsure of what any of it means any longer.

Your happiness at the expense of my own. That was never the plan. Your presence completed me. Balance restored. Only you want something else, determined to turn my world every which way – and you always did. Everything I never knew I wanted, always you. When there’s no one else for you, you come to me – your last resort or your eternal solace? What am I to you? ‘The heart does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.’

…what are you to me?

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Bleeding Heart

Going through the motions but lacking any kind of sensation. Everything tasteless. Disappointment acknowledged but not felt. The heart aches. Not wanting to play this out in view of open eyes you withdraw.

In these moments you come to realise who holds you.  Those whose arms wrap around you instinctively to hold you together before you fall apart. That one who tries to make you laugh. Wrong words chosen, but a slight twitch of your lips shows you that could you smile, you would. And them, the one you turned to, to take you out of your head. Seeming at first to care but then always their truer nature returns. This you knew. It is why you go to them.

The words unbelievable. Having to remind yourself that this is how you placed the pieces. Each one fulfilling the role assigned. You can’t be angry, only you are. Growing resentment that they would choose now to do this. Had the roles been reversed with a fraction of the relevance this behaviour would not be tolerated from you. Never able to see as you do. Oddly thankful that this you can feel. This gives you something other to think about. This was the reason why you made that choice again. Perfectly selfish, always guaranteed that in their presence nothing you feel matters. Your dysfunction showing. The tactic does not work.

Your thoughts undistracted. They always remembered your name. They always cared to ask how you were. Their voice familiar on the other end of the phone, you couldn’t help but smile when you answered. It feels heavy. The memory of that last time. You shared a meal in their home. They were supposed to be getting better. They wouldn’t let you hug them. Too much affection, you knowing your arms would embrace them too tightly. Them kindly insisting that it was only because they didn’t want you to become ill. Not even a kiss goodbye. Just wave.

The miles too many to travel I stay on my side of the ocean. Too affected by a sadness that should not be so overwhelming. Their loss, mine. I will miss their kindness. I will miss their laughter. I will miss their smile.

~ R.I.P. Auntie Norte ~

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Scar

I couldn’t waste any more of my words on you, so I borrowed these.

Do I know you? Have we ever met? You’ve got a smile I could never forget. Perhaps you’ve mistaken me for someone you know.

What’s that you say? Am I losing my mind? That’s just one of the things that I left behind. You must be talking about something that happened a long time ago.

There’s a look in your eyes I’ve seen before. It’s all too familiar but I can’t be sure. I’ve got a memory somewhere that looks a lot like you.

I’m still confused with these feelings inside. I want to reach out and hold you and I want to hide. Tell me, did I really love you or are you someone that I never knew?

If I forgot to remember your name and your face excuse me forgetting. I must have misplaced that part of my life that left all the scars…from the back of my mind, to the bottom of my heart.

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Archived

I haven’t been counting, yet some part of me has. Or perhaps life still likes to laugh at my expense sometimes, maybe not laugh. Life takes these opportunities to remind me how far I’ve come. Only I’ve been here before. That’s what I’m reminded of. All these days where I’ve managed to stop myself from looking back, I find myself unable to resist and I count the days and I realise. 6, 8, 12.

I remember how high those walls had been built, fortified with every past hurt, still you broke through. I allowed you through. I dropped the gate and had no one else to blame for what followed. Except perhaps you, you were always as guilty a party. I let you in, yes, but you’re the one that chose to destroy.

I see it now and I wonder why I ever thought it could work again, I wouldn’t allow myself to laugh. You weren’t allowed to know that anything you said or did could ever make me smile. You’d stepped too far and I wasn’t going to allow you to forget. I justified my actions to myself, it was the only way you’d learn, it was the only way you’d change. The only way you wouldn’t hurt me again.

Still here I am again. Only I’m the one who chose to change, I decided to finally see you for what you are. I can’t believe I tried to fool myself for so long, how much faith I must have had in you to believe that you could be so much more than the person you always showed me you were.

My loss, and yours. We’ll share this one last thing. My ability gone to see whatever good it was in you that made me want you in my life. Your loss, someone who you never would have had to ask anything of, it was all yours. I would’ve stood by your side through all things.

I’ll give you this final parting gift, I allow you to mark me up just like all the others – another one that walked away. When everyone in your life has been branded this way maybe then you’ll realise that some of us didn’t walk away, we simply got tired and stopped running after you.

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