I woke up this morning. No tears. Managed to make tea. Almost a necessity because I’ve developed a cold. A reult of my being so run down. No tears. We went to Costco yesterday so that means pastries for breakfast. Penny would have been all over that. No tears.
I’m being left alone for the first time. I’ll busy myself. There are things in the fridge I need to do something with before they spoil. I understand now why people bring dishes of casserole and meals that freeze beautifully to families who are grieving. Everything feels like you’re moving through treacle.
A beautiful three day weekend, our first in so long. Clear blue skies. I plan to sort through laundry. Well, that’s the plan. It’s not like we would’ve gone out anyway. It’s Sunday, Lazy Sundays. When Penny and Cordi unapologetically lie on the couch and do absolutely nothing, encouraging me to do the same. Mostly I would read or catch up on shows. Not wanting to disturb their Sunday because I never wanted to do much on the either. Everyone’s day of rest.
Cordi has gone back to demanding meat be the major part of her meal. No more eating carbs to make us feel better. She sticks close to me. If I sit on the sofa she’s right up by my side. I go to have something for lunch. Again by my side. I look down at her. I know Cordi, you don’t have to be so fast anymore. No one to snatch away your treats.
On the sofa again she’s on my lap. I take her collar off and give her chest rubs. Is that what she think always happened when she was our of the room? Is this why Penny always stayed out here with me? No Cordi, I didn’t give Penny half as many chest rubs as she deserved.
Occasionally she glances up. Are you looking for her again Cordi? I don’t know if I’ll ever stop wondering if she’s looking for her. And I say to her, trying not to cry, “I miss her too Cord.”
First day without a breakdown. Day one.