I thought that perhaps if you love something then you shouldn’t need to walk away from it, until a friend told me about the puppy. Imagine you love it so much that you squeeze and squeeze this little pup. Eventually you smother it and what do you have? A dead pup and one heck of a guilt trip. Okay, so she didn’t go that far but that’s where my mind went. Instead she said you have to give the puppy a chance to breathe and give your arms a rest. Sometimes it’s okay to let go for a while.
For some time now I’ve been thinking that there aren’t enough hours in the day. With everything I want to do the only place I can see myself making any cuts is in my sleeping hours, and I don’t get that many of those. On my lazy days I am sat reading some book or another to help me improve on all the other things I have going on. I no longer enjoy the bus ride home because I walk in order to get some exercise on the days I’m not training and because I might come across an image for my Project 365. In the morning, when I’m not falling asleep, my journey is spent writing e-mails arranging more things to fill my time. I have to keep every tab open until I’ve done what I needed to do because my mind is so easily distracted by another task I have to do. It feels like my mind doesn’t have an off switch. My life is so very full. But I am falling out of love with certain aspects of my life.
That’s not a statement I make lightly; but that’s how I feel. Everything I do, I do because I want to do it. However a lot of it no longer feels as though I am doing it for me. And when something begins to feel like work, well that’s never a good sign.
My writing no longer feels like my own. I write to deadline and I write with an agenda, neither of which I have ever done very well. More often that not I find myself re-writing things again and again because I hate what it is I’ve written. Normally the reason is because it sounds like what I think should be written rather than how I write. My words used to come from the emotional rollercoaster my life was on, and though I don’t miss the extremity of those situations, I miss the inspiration they provided. I miss feeling the words.
These past few months I have learnt more about my abilities in areas I never would have ventured into. I know that there are improvements to be made in many of the new skills I am developing, but that’s the whole point – they’re developing. As much as I have learnt it feels sometimes that it is at the sacrifice of what I already know.
I need to step away. Let the puppy go. But I don’t want to let those that have entrusted me with its care down. More worryingly, once I let it go, I’m not sure I’ll want to pick it up again. This puppy was for life, but I didn’t think it would take over mine.