Step Back

I haven’t updated my MySpace profile in over year. It is still one of my start-up tabs but I never look at it. Today I chose to. I read the words I placed there and as I did I couldn’t help but think I seemed to have more sense of who I was then. In between when I wrote it and now it feels like much has changed, but I couldn’t tell you what exactly.

There are things I knew then that I appear to have forgotten. Clarity that somehow became clouded. Steps I had taken that I appear to have gone back on. I need to figure it out again. The knowledge is there somewhere, perhaps it’s time to clear things out of my head in order to give it space to come to the forefront. First step, back to my homework.

“I used to think that it was enough to not be unhappy, and some days that is enough; but it’s no way to live. I think that once you decide what it is that makes you happy then that’s a third of the battle won. The other thirds being making that your life, and keeping it so. None of these tasks are easy.

It’s taken me a long time to figure what it is, and who it is that makes me happy, and I don’t think I’m done yet. That’s not to say that everything I choose to keep in my life always makes me smile, sometimes it’s hard and a little more work than I would hope, but I’ve tried to live without some parts and I’ve learnt that I just don’t function without them.

I’ve stopped running after certain things, maybe with age I just can’t do it anymore. More though I think that when we stop chasing that which eludes us, if it’s supposed to be ours then it’ll stop and wonder where you’ve gotten to and come and find you. Sometimes it takes our absence for people to realise that we matter. Sometimes it takes their absence for us to realise that we no longer need them. Those that are in my life are there for one simple reason – I choose to keep them.

I’ve never been one for big gestures or outbursts. I keep a lot of what I think and feel to myself, and that isn’t always a good thing, or a bad one at that. Sometimes a person’s actions will illicit little more than a raised eyebrow, and sometimes the smallest of things will cause me to get up and leave. I hope that through my actions, if not my words, those that matter know that they do.

When I was younger, one of my teachers said that they’d love to know what goes on inside my head. It’s really not that exciting in there. I’m not that complicated. I smile at the simplest of things. I am moved by the most basic of human gestures. Though I try not to, I can get angry over the most seemingly inconsequential matters. Sometimes I spend too much time in my own head. I can, and have, been hurt deeply by those that I care about the most.

I think that everything happens for a reason, not always a good one – but a reason none the less. Just when you think you’ve started to understand how it all works and who people are something might happen that will surprise you and you won’t know which way is up anymore. I believe a person should treat others as they would want to be treated. At times I forget that and I’ll say things that I later wish I hadn’t.

I’m not perfect, but I’ve never intentionally tried to hurt someone. I would never want to be that person. I try to be the best person I can be; some days are harder than others. What I expect of myself is far more than I would ever ask of others. That is my choice, as are many things in my life. I’m just me. No more, and certainly no less.”

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Benjamin Button
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