I haven’t been counting, yet some part of me has. Or perhaps life still likes to laugh at my expense sometimes, maybe not laugh. Life takes these opportunities to remind me how far I’ve come. Only I’ve been here before. That’s what I’m reminded of. All these days where I’ve managed to stop myself from looking back, I find myself unable to resist and I count the days and I realise. 6, 8, 12.
I remember how high those walls had been built, fortified with every past hurt, still you broke through. I allowed you through. I dropped the gate and had no one else to blame for what followed. Except perhaps you, you were always as guilty a party. I let you in, yes, but you’re the one that chose to destroy.
I see it now and I wonder why I ever thought it could work again, I wouldn’t allow myself to laugh. You weren’t allowed to know that anything you said or did could ever make me smile. You’d stepped too far and I wasn’t going to allow you to forget. I justified my actions to myself, it was the only way you’d learn, it was the only way you’d change. The only way you wouldn’t hurt me again.
Still here I am again. Only I’m the one who chose to change, I decided to finally see you for what you are. I can’t believe I tried to fool myself for so long, how much faith I must have had in you to believe that you could be so much more than the person you always showed me you were.
My loss, and yours. We’ll share this one last thing. My ability gone to see whatever good it was in you that made me want you in my life. Your loss, someone who you never would have had to ask anything of, it was all yours. I would’ve stood by your side through all things.
I’ll give you this final parting gift, I allow you to mark me up just like all the others – another one that walked away. When everyone in your life has been branded this way maybe then you’ll realise that some of us didn’t walk away, we simply got tired and stopped running after you.