Sustained

I have been home almost a week. Soon those, ‘This time last week…’ moments will have passed. This time last week I walked city blocks as I continued an unending conversation and warmed myself on pumpkin spice. This time last week I weaved through a Columbus Day Parade and wondered at how young they were that they had not seen ‘Mary Poppins’ before I was too fast at Jamba Juice. This time last week I said ‘See you soon’ to that city I had too often said ‘Goodbye’ to.

Slowly falling back. Resenting routines rather than finding comfort in them, because that’s not life. So many days lost in auto-pilot. I try not to repeat that mistake. I take time to see, to really look. I forget how much I love this season. The winter sun before it turns grey. My city finds its beauty in this light. This place, always home.

I still ache for those I got on a plane to share a meal with, I know that when it’s time the water will soon become a street again and it will be crossed. There’s a reason I return though, several reasons. Those that keep me sane by bringing me chaos and laughter and surprise. I have missed their faces and my arms have missed their hugs.

My smile. Not that joyous rapture that once captured me, but still a smile. More easily kept, though it would have been truly something to have been able to burn that brightly for so long. I did not fear that I would have eventually burned out, I do not think I would have, only that I would have soared too far. I need to stay close, because that’s the source.

So now a more quiet contentment, felt from the core. That same core where the scars ran so deep. Having had those moments, and realising that there are more to come, I will always be able to find my smile again. This knowing will sustain me. This peace will calm me. This warmth will nourish me. This life will bring me happiness.

The single greatest thing I missed the most about home/that I miss about being away: spending time with you. I’ll see you soon.

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Filed under (In)sanity, Words

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