More than a few years ago now when my system decided to scream at me, ‘You can’t carry on this way anymore, it’s not what your life should be!’ I was hesitant to listen. So it shook me harder, and it continued to until I could do nothing but listen.
Lesson taught I realised I had to change. It wasn’t easy, I’m stubborn. I needed to be taught the lesson a few more times, and I was. That’s the great thing about time, it’s incredibly patient. Eventually I began to recognise the signs myself, and when I knew that my life was once again on the path it shouldn’t be, I was able to change my course.
Where I find myself today is perhaps where, in hindsight, I would have chose to be; but had you asked me 10yrs ago I’m almost certain I would not have chosen this life. I’m glad that whatever force is out there, knew better than I.
No doubt there are parts of my life that can be improved. I could be healthier, I could have more in the bank, there are things that I would’ve liked to have done by now that I haven’t, but I can honestly say, I don’t think I could be happier. How many people, whether they are where they thought they would be or not, can say that? If I was where I expected to be, I don’t think I’d be one of them.
I’ve always felt that everything had a reason, and it may not always be a good reason, but there is usually a reason. More and more I see how even the smallest of choices causes a ripple in our lives whose affect often goes unnoticed.
One summer you choose to go out to dinner spontaneously with two friends. They drag you into the Apple store and set you up a Facebook account. You write some words in your info and forget to change them. One Christmas you click on a link on a website you can’t even remember how you found but now visit regularly and your interest is sparked by what you find.
In the spring you’re having Starbucks and another friend is trying to convince you to join this new thing called Twitter. You’re not entirely convinced coz you’re still loyal to Tom and haven’t even fully embraced this FB thing yet. Perhaps you’ll give it a try.
Months later you fulfil a promise to ensure another friend has at least one vacation that year. This friend who you hardly knew over a year ago who is friends with someone you went to college with whose friendship was restarted because you needed a code. Someone else you considered to be your friend lets you down one too many times, the way they are always guaranteed to do. You take a seat and pull out your phone.
All these things: the dinner, the words you wrote, that link you clicked, the decision to go back to the scene of the crime, the premiere you decided to go to, the person that let you down, your need to take a seat. Isolated none of them hold any significance. Combined, all contributing to where you are right now and very much a reason of why now, all it takes is a single thought for your smile to return.
Whether any of these things would have happened had other choices been made I can’t be certain. Not only my choices influencing the outcome but also others. Why they wanted to know why you weren’t talking in a conversation full of strangers.What words caught their attention and made them intrigued enough to find out more. Why they made that call. Their reasons remain unknown.
I’d like to think that no matter what my choices then the people who are in my life now would still be there, but perhaps I would not know them the way I do now. Most definitely they would not know the me I am today.
I don’t have the job I thought I would have. I don’t have the bank balance I wish I did have. I don’t have the circle of friends I expected to have. Those first two I still have time to change, that last one, I wouldn’t want to change. The people I have in my life are the very reason I can smile with just a single thought.
I live my life with a single regret, but still believing that there is a time for everything so perhaps I will be granted a second chance and even that will be erased. If it should’ve been then it would’ve been, so you should let life take you where it takes you, and believe that you will be where you need to be when you need to be there. Like me, you may not end up where you expected, but chances are you’ll end up where you were supposed to.
I have chosen happiness, and yes it is a choice. My words are no longer laced with a hidden darkness, but when there is need of it I am reminded that I can be a different writer each time I need to write. I have a veracious appetite for knowledge, if I don’t know the answer I seek it. When I look at the people in my life I often feel as though I’m not enough, but that is only because I feel they deserve more, and because of them I know I can be.
My life is at it is for a reason, and my life is so very very full.