Originally, I had decided that my resolution was to be kinder. There are simple things like smiling to people when you inadvertently catch their eye rather than immediately looking away as though one of you has done something wrong, willingly holding the elevator for someone you know is running to catch it rather than pressing that close button as fast as you can, helping people you know are lost but are too scared to ask for directions. Simple decent things that often when you live in a city you close yourself to because you’ve got places to go and things to do. Living and working right in the centre of London it is so easy to block even the most smallest of human interactions out, this was the year that I was going to stop. And then it dawned on me.

Being kinder would not be enough. Yes, it would be a big step. I think those basic acts of human kindness can’t help but change you. They may seem small but it is easy to forget how much an unexpected smile can change a person’s day, particularly when it has been a long time since your day has been changed in that way. If I was going to try and be kinder, to be a better human being to others, then why not simply make that my resolution – be better.

So there it is. In everything I am and in everything that I do I will strive to be better this year. No small undertaking. There is a lot I do that I can improve on, not least of all my writing. That is one area in 2011 that I did not work on enough, and whilst I can say that I wrote every day, I am not able to say that what I wrote every day was of any substance. I will be better. I will be a better writer. I will be a better friend. I will be a better reader. I will be better with my finances. I will be better keeping in touch with people. I will be better with deadlines. I will be a better godparent. I will be a better person.

I hope I remain this resolute.

What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Most recently, I trekked through virgin rainforest, gave a leech a hearty meal of my blood, cleaned out Orangutan and Sun Bear cages, sat behind a tribal Chief as we went through the Borneo rainforest. I’m sure there was other stuff I did in the year but it all seems so long ago now.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I still have the post it note on my desk saying ‘SIT UP STRAIGHT!’ I sometimes kept it. Mostly I tried. I’m not sure about next year.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
I think we’ve just had the one birth this year. My cousin (of sorts) welcomed a baby boy, Roman, to the family. Hopefully I get to meet him soon.

Did anyone close to you die?
My godmother, I have more than one, but she’s the only godparent who’s ever had a real presence in my life.

What countries did you visit?
European vacations dominated this year with trips to Barcelona, Paris, and Copenhagen. True to form, there was a trip to New York, however there was also a trip to a brand new place with an Ape Adventure in Malaysia rounding off the year.

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
More of my own words. I wrote something every day but I think I got lazy on some days, I need to be better, or at the very least as good as I used to be.

What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I really can’t think of one date. December 18^th perhaps, I stepped back without going backwards.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it out of the jungle, and being brave enough to lose it all.

What was your biggest failure?
I’m not sure this was a year of failure.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
You know I was probably pricked with a needle more times this year than any other. All in the interest in preventing illness though, they seem to have worked.

What was the best thing you bought?
Honestly, my iPod Touch. My first and only purchase of that type of fruit, I finally gave in. It kept me entertained in the jungle and since downloading Jenga and the Game of Life it has kept me entertained out of it as well. There truly is an app for that.

Where did most of your money go?
To the jungle! Perhaps not whilst I was in it, but certainly getting there.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting to see a friend on stage, I’ve seen her in things before but seeing her on stage, well that’s something to get excited about.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
Pretty much anything Adele. That voice, it will be timeless. If we’re going for one song then ‘Someone Like You’. Also, Christine Perri, ‘Jar of Hearts’ and its juxtapose, ‘A Thousand Years’. They may not remind me of this year specifically but they will remind me of the feeling.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier of sadder? Happier, and for the first time in a long time, quietly hopeful.
b) Thinner or fatter? Given the amount of gym time I’d like to err on “fitter” rather than either of the choices.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer I think, I hope. Plus I have a financial plan, something will scupper that I’m sure, but for now there’s a plan and hopefully that’ll see me right.

What do you wish you’d done more?
Again, written for myself, or written at all. It seems without a deadline it’s harder for me to put pen to paper. I’ll make sure to rectify that in the New Year.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
I think everything was in proportion this year, it certainly didn’t feel like once of excess.

Did you fall in love in 2011?
Now there’s always the possibility of a yes.

What was your favourite TV programme?
This year it has to go to the geeks – Big Bang Theory. It took me a while to finally come round to this show but I am glad I did. Sheldon is genius, have to love a guy with that extensive a t-shirt collection who’s so passionate about his place on the sofa. Plus, no one can look at you with as much disdain as Sheldon can.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
There’s no room in my life for hate.

What was the best book you read?
As much as I hate to admit it, I am really enjoying the Harry Potter series. I finally got round to reading them, and though they will never have that childhood pull that Roald Dahl or the Narnia books have, I have to admit they’re not half bad.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele. I was always aware of her but I don’t think I knew just how amazing she was until this year.

What did you want and get?
As always – to see my friends, that’s all I ever need.

What did you want and not get?
To be a writer.

What was your favourite film of this year?
Unfortunately this year I don’t think there was anything I watched that I thought was an outstanding film. There were a few that weren’t bad – the comic book films, Green Lantern was a lot better than most people said it was. I think perhaps Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Pt. 2), it was good enough for me to go to a midnight showing and also watch on the plane to and from Malaysia.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
31^st birthday and so I had a 13yr old’s birthday party – cinema to watch Thor and then pizza, albeit fancy gourmet pizza.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think if I got to see my friends more, I got to see a lot of them a lot of the time but you have those kinds of people in your life then you can never see them enough.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Will it ever change from cool t-shirts and Chucks? I think not.

What kept you sane?
My (in)sanity. I’m glad that they choose to keep me.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I think Prince William did a lot to make the whole world fall in love with the British Royal Family again.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The Con-DemNation was still riling most people this year, including me. I’m not sure it would be any easier for any other government but it just feels like it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Who did you miss?
Rhea and Maricar, it’s the first time in a while that I haven’t seen them at least once during the year. That can’t happen again next year.

Who was the best new person you met?
I’d have to say Jennifer, when I was at a real low point in KL, she helped keep me distracted. I don’t know how I would have coped if I hadn’t met her at the tour desk in the hotel lobby looking for someone to be her travel buddy. Trust me to go half way round the world to make friends with a NYer!

Tell us a valuable lesson you learnt in 2011:
There’s no place like home.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself?
I got told I was awesome a fair few times, that’s always nice to hear, especially from someone you think is pretty awesome themselves.

The most touching experience you’ve had this year?
Each and every time I held my god-daughter and she looked up at me and smiled. There’s a photo of her asleep wearing a shirt that says ‘perfect’, she truly is.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
That I dared to risk it all.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
I should have written more. I don’t think I could have called myself much of a writer this year.

Was 2011 a good year for you?
It’s hard to say. It feels like a lot of this year was doing stuff in preparation for next year. I’m not sure there were enough memorable moments and I suppose that there were no memorably bad moments is a good thing. Still, I hope that next year I’m able to say it was one of my very best.

Where were you when 2011 began?
At home watching the fireworks on the TV and then Tomb Raider 2, what can I say? Angelina any day of the year!

Who were you with?
My folks.

Where will you be when 2011 ends?
At home watching the fireworks on the TV lol, starting to become tradition. I’ve just come through the road closures, it’s not about getting squished as the new year starts.

Who will you be with when 2011 ends?
Two people coughing and sniffling. Wonderful.

Do you have a resolution for 2012?
I don’t think so, I think I shall simply try to be better. That sounds good.

What was your favourite month of 2011?
June I think. Got to spend time with some of my favourite people and the city started to warm up. It just feels like it was bright.

What was your favourite record from 2011?
Adele Live at the Royal Albert Hall or Glee: The Warblers, gotta love Blaine.

How many concerts and shows did you see in 2011?
Um a whole bunch, I can’t remember all of them but definitely Wicked and Legally Blonde were in there. No surprise on the former. The outstanding show of the year though had to be seeing Idina Menzel perform at the Royal Albert Hall. That voice. Simply sublime.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2011?
Hardly any apart from the last night in the longhouse in Borneo. They don’t call it fire water for nothing!

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Nope, no shame here.

How much money did you spend in 2011?
A lot, but I’m sure it was all worth it.

If you could go back in time to any one moment of 2011 and change something, what would it be?
Again, everything happens for a reason.

What are your plans for 2012?
A ticket has already been bought for early in the year, there are tickets to other things including The Olympics. Feels like it’s going to be a busy year, quietly hopeful it will be a good one.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I think I have a better sense of home and what I need to feel right. I have pushed myself this year and I have a greater understanding of my limits but also of what I am capable of.

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I’m gonna say Fatz, she kept me entertained almost every day at the job – when she wasn’t slacking off.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
No one this year, I tended to stay away from people whose behaviour could end up appalling or depressing me.

What are your wishes for the new year?
As they were last year it seems: That I find my happiness, or at least more things to put in the “Yes” column.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Never thought I’d find someone like you.”

My heart is literally breaking over what is happening in my city. I love London unequivocally. I have seen other cities and I have experienced other cultures, some very different from my own, but I can say without a doubt that my heart is most at peace when I am walking the streets of London. The air here is different. The rhythm of the city beating its own distinct pulse through the buildings, along the river, and out through every street laid out due to necessity not the order of later cities learnt from our example.

The events of the past few days both sadden and anger me. Some are saying that it is the disenfranchisement of our youth that is causing them to act out in this way. Council services have been cut so they do not have anything to occupy their time with and the economic situation for them is bleak. I understand that, part of me even agrees with it. If there is no promise of a brighter future then, why not take what you want when it is there for the taking? Why work hard to earn enough for the latest high-tech gadgetry when throwing a chair through the window of Dixons and running off with all you can carry will have the same affect? Why? Because we are supposed to be better than that, that’s why.

When life gets hard we are not supposed to use it as an excuse to run around lawlessly destroying our own communities. We are not supposed to make our neighbours fear for their own safety. We are not supposed to destroy the homes and livelihoods we have spent so long and worked so hard to create. The disenfranchised youth with monetary incentives to stay in school and free travel; these are the people running around causing mayhem as they take pictures with their i-phones and Blackberrys.

On a day with blue skies and white clouds most Londoners would be out enjoying this momentary glimpse of summer. Instead, most are constantly refreshing their computer screens for an update on what the current situation is in the city. We are on tenterhooks waiting to hear what is happening around London. And I, like so many, have a heavy heart inside my chest as I see the actions of few, reeking havoc across the city that I love. It aches at the scenes plastered across newspapers and television screens as the world watches Londoners tearing London apart.

And what can we do? In the aftermath those that can have done what I knew Londoners would do, they have taken up their brooms and bin bags and are helping with the clear up. Others waiting until it is safe so they can go in and help clear away the broken pieces and help mend the broken lives of those affected, but what of the looters? Whilst the police and the politicians decide what action to take stories come in of people taking up saucepans and bats, whatever they can, to defend whatever they have left. Elderly people determined that they will not live in fear in their own city. This is the true face of London.

The looters are nothing but opportunistic scum. They have brazenly walked through our communities and neighbourhoods, along our high streets, and declared themselves above the law. This has nothign to do with what happened to Mark Duggan and the police shooting. This is about nothing more than causing as much damage as possible, to hell with who gets hurt. I hope each and every one of them gets caught and are punished accordingly. Raise my taxes to lock them up; right now I do not care. They have tried to destroy my city; they do not deserve to be a part of it.

All across London everyone I know is bracing themselves for another night of looting. Stores have shut early, shutters pulled all the way down and some are even boarded up. People have put their cars in garages. All plans have been cancelled. As we set in for the fourth night of possible unrest the 16,000 strong police force out on the streets brace themselves too. We wait for the sun to set and pray that tonight we are spared a repeat of the previous nights. Every Londoner listening out for the sirens and helicopters. Every Londoner looking on in disgust at the ones we have disowned. Every Londoner hoping that this madness is over and that their city can be returned to them.

Fifteen years of Catholic School and I still needed to Google why it is exactly we give things up for Lent. I knew the general idea, Jesus fasting for 40 days in the wilderness. I’ll always tick the Catholic box but one of my favourite movies is Dogma, this probably tells you all you need to know about my faith. Still, I pray every night and I try to live my life in the way the God I believe exists would want me to. That’s more than many who claim to be devout can say.

I remember we used to get Lenten boxes in school that we were supposed to use to save all the money that we weren’t spending on crisps and sweets (potato chips and candy to the non-Brits amongst you). They were green and usually had something to do with CAFOD. It’s funny what memories you keep from your childhood.

We were often encouraged not to just give something up for Lent but to also take something on. I was never very good at either to be honest. It was always a case of saying I was giving up something that I wasn’t really a big eater of anyway. And even with the best of intentions, saying that you’re going to help more around the home and then dropping a plate every time you did the dishes quickly dissuaded your parents from asking you to be helpful.

For the most part, since I left school, Easter meant double pay if I chose to work or more recently a few extra days off in April. Easter eggs have always been a part of the season but most often because it meant I got a new mug to go with my chocolate egg that would usually sit in the fridge until someone ate it. The mug too would be relegated to a cupboard until one of my actual tea drinking friends would pay a visit. I roll my eyes at the thought of giving “Easter presents.” Really? At least there was a St. Nicholas (jolly or not) so those gift-giving roots are traceable. I don’t ever remember reading about a saint that delivered gifts at Christmas, and I didn’t need Google to verify that.

I’m not sure why I chose this year to decide to give something up for Lent. Perhaps it was the example of my friends. They’ve always exercised amazing willpower when faced with chocolate filled temptations. More though I think there is a need in me to be better, and that means not only giving up the junk but also having the discipline to stop bad habits. No more chocolate. No more crisps. No more biscuits. As when I was younger, I never ate any of these in excess but they have become the snack of choice.

One of my worst habits though has become my addiction to my Blackberry, it hasn’t earned the “Crackberry” name without good reason. The first thing I do when I wake up is reach for my phone and it’s the last thing I check at night. It used to be that if I was spending time with friends it would remain in my pocket, but recently that too has changed. I am a slave to that flashing red light. So it’s time to break the habit.

I spent most of last night discussing possible time restrictions and designated hours. However, the reason I got this phone was to make myself accessible to my friends at all times. I know I am not that indispensible that I need a bat signal, but it puts my mind at ease that should my friends need me then I can be reached. I am certain the purpose of Lent is not to make me constantly worry about my friends. So there will be no restrictions in place.

However, what I have decided is that during the job hours the phone will stay in my pocket. Out of sight will hopefully mean out of mind. There will be no BBMing or Tweeting after 12am on school nights (with the exception of ABM Fans update days and birthdays for the obligatory midnight tweet). When in the company of friends it will be set to show that I am not available.

I know that these goals are realistic. A year ago it was how I lived my life, and it’s how it should be. I’ve just lacked the discipline to do it. Jesus used his time in the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In 40 days I’ll have broken bad habits. In 40 days I will have my life back from that little red light. In 40 days I’ll be back to where I need to be.

I thought that perhaps if you love something then you shouldn’t need to walk away from it, until a friend told me about the puppy. Imagine you love it so much that you squeeze and squeeze this little pup. Eventually you smother it and what do you have? A dead pup and one heck of a guilt trip. Okay, so she didn’t go that far but that’s where my mind went. Instead she said you have to give the puppy a chance to breathe and give your arms a rest. Sometimes it’s okay to let go for a while.

For some time now I’ve been thinking that there aren’t enough hours in the day. With everything I want to do the only place I can see myself making any cuts is in my sleeping hours, and I don’t get that many of those. On my lazy days I am sat reading some book or another to help me improve on all the other things I have going on. I no longer enjoy the bus ride home because I walk in order to get some exercise on the days I’m not training and because I might come across an image for my Project 365. In the morning, when I’m not falling asleep, my journey is spent writing e-mails arranging more things to fill my time. I have to keep every tab open until I’ve done what I needed to do because my mind is so easily distracted by another task I have to do. It feels like my mind doesn’t have an off switch. My life is so very full. But I am falling out of love with certain aspects of my life.

That’s not a statement I make lightly; but that’s how I feel. Everything I do, I do because I want to do it. However a lot of it no longer feels as though I am doing it for me. And when something begins to feel like work, well that’s never a good sign.

My writing no longer feels like my own. I write to deadline and I write with an agenda, neither of which I have ever done very well. More often that not I find myself re-writing things again and again because I hate what it is I’ve written. Normally the reason is because it sounds like what I think should be written rather than how I write. My words used to come from the emotional rollercoaster my life was on, and though I don’t miss the extremity of those situations, I miss the inspiration they provided. I miss feeling the words.

These past few months I have learnt more about my abilities in areas I never would have ventured into. I know that there are improvements to be made in many of the new skills I am developing, but that’s the whole point – they’re developing. As much as I have learnt it feels sometimes that it is at the sacrifice of what I already know.

I need to step away. Let the puppy go. But I don’t want to let those that have entrusted me with its care down. More worryingly, once I let it go, I’m not sure I’ll want to pick it up again. This puppy was for life, but I didn’t think it would take over mine.

A few years ago someone, who in later years would become absolutely necessary to me, asked for a gift of 100 images. No other instructions given, just 100 images. At the end I had two very important things, a person who I had known in a previous lifetime back in my life, and also my eyes were open again. In capturing 100 images I was reminded to stop and take a look at the world. I was reminded what it is to see. Those 100 images remain one of my most favourite gifts.

I have followed some very talented people as they completed their 365 day projects, and had little intention of starting one myself, but then I was reminded of the gift. I realised that it has been a long time since I have taken the time to pause and look at the world. Last year I think I spent a lot of time in the noise of life that I lost some of the enjoyment I found in the simple things. I want that back.

Projects are always fun but you need a challenge. I remember one particular trip to NY, I think my second, I was given a list of things I had to take a photo of – including a fire hydrant and a smoking grate. On another of my American Adventures I decided to wear a different t-shirt every day for three weeks, that one wasn’t easy on the luggage. So when I decided to undertake this project I knew I needed a theme. At first I thought of journeys. Many photo-worthy things happen on my bus journeys and I am on autopilot too many times and this would hopefully snap me out of that. However, it would mean leaving home every day and I know that on some days that just isn’t happening. Then I realised that there really was only one theme I could choose, words.

As someone who plays, semi-professionally, at this writing game, words are very important to me. I have always loved them. Everything about them, from their origin to the way the letters are formed by different people’s hands. 365 days. 365 photos. 365 words. None the same. That is the project, that is the challenge I have set myself. I started properly today, and I already felt myself opening my eyes a little wider. Taking in everything the world had to show me, looking for those words I wanted to capture. I am on my way to achieving what I hope to by choosing to do this project: I am seeing the world again.

Please visit a year of my world in words in photos: Project365 – Words

What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Pressed delete, took a NYer around my city, had a hotdog with cream cheese, was truly rendered speechless by the action of friends (in the best possible way). Oh, and apparently I became Editor-in-Chief for the fansite of this show my friend’s in. I may have mentioned it once or twice…

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
None to keep so none to break. I prefer not to break promises.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yup, I got two additions to the extended family this year – right at the end of the year. Amelie and Callum, two new bits of perfection for me to adore .

Did anyone close to you die?
Auntie Norte, one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever known. Forever missed.

What countries did you visit?
Trips to my two most visited places, I think next year one will overtake the other – no prizes for guessing which. Trip to Fili for one of my bestest’s wedding and of course the usual trip to the US – NY, San Fran, and this time, Seattle.

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A smaller credit card balance would always be nice, but I’m working on that and like the ad says, some things are just priceless. I’m not quite sure where I stand in terms of the job at the moment, so I would like some clarity on that. I’d also like to have some more time with good friends, and with that comes everything I could possibly need.

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 24th. One of my favourite days, ever.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Launching and continuing to run ABMFans.com. Seriously had no idea what I was getting into when I started it, but people seem to like it.

What was your biggest failure?
That I was in a situation where I had to press delete, again.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
A pretty bad cold this year, but other than that I did okay. Thankfully.

What was the best thing you bought?
As it seems to be every year, a plane ticket.

Where did most of your money go?
Those plane tickets, I’m not prepared to give them up though.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Whoopi Goldberg on stage was a pretty big deal, especially after it was cancelled the first time round. The ticket was a little pricey but when else am I ever going to get the chance to see Whoopi Goldberg?!?!

What song(s) will always remind you of 2010?
Bruno Mars’ ‘Just the Way You Are.’

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier of sadder? I’m not entirely sure, I wouldn’t say happier but certainly not sadder. I think the closest I can get is ‘not unhappy.’
b) Thinner or fatter? Fatter.
c) Richer or poorer? I’m probably ending the year with more money than I’ve had for a while, let’s hope that continues into the New Year.

What do you wish you’d done more?
Worked on my homework, and written for myself. I remember a conversation with a NYer where they asked how my writing was coming along and I explained to them about ABMFans and LDNmeetsMNL and she was very happy to hear all of that but then she asked again, ‘How’s your writing going?’ Yeah, I got the point.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stress. It didn’t reach the proportions it has in previous years, but there was certainly more than necessary. I can be a worrier, what can I say?

Did you fall in love in 2010?
No, but I think there’s certainly the opportunity for that to change in the New Year.

What was your favourite TV programme?
Of course, Anyone But Me ruled my viewing, and broke my heart. It was also the year of the Food Channel though, I don’t think I’ve ever seen as much culinary television as I have this year. Top of that list was Adam Richman’s eternal battle of Man Vs. Food. He inspired and amazed me in every half hour episode. And, I completely Gleeked out!Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
To hate I’d have to still be holding onto it, I chose to let it go.

What was the best book you read?
I started to re-acquaint myself with Salinger this year and loved ‘Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction.’ The way Buddy Glass simply adores his elder brother, Seymour, is something I definitely understand. However, best book by far was ‘Special Topics in Calamity Physics.’ Some of it was a bit too far-fetched but somehow it all managed to make sense in the end, in its own unique way. Blue Van Meer holds a special place in my heart, not least because of her resemblance to a certain someone.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bruno Mars certainly, it’s a tie between ‘Just the Way You Are’ and  ‘Marry You.’ Glee has a lot to answer for on that second one. However, I’ve recently discovered New Found Glory though and I am loving what they’ve done to some 80s classics, including ‘Crazy For You‘ and ‘Glory of Love.’

What did you want and get?
To see my friends, that’s all I ever need. This year, on one side of the ocean, on some side of the world, I got to see many of them.

What did you want and not get?
A trip to Cuba, but that’s not to say it isn’t going to happen, it’s just had to be postponed.

What was your favourite film of this year?
Definitely Kick-Ass. It changed significantly from the graphic novel but with an entrance like Hit-Girl’s, how could it be wrong?

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
A turning of age for me this year, and entry into a whole new decade. The plan had been to be in Cuba, however an Icelandic volcano scuppered those plans. So instead I had a CubAsh Staycation. On the actual day I went to Stratford-upon-Avon to celebrate a well-known Brit and fellow April birthday celebrant and in the evening had a Mojito and Cuban food with G and the Baby Sis. Then the “big” celebration involved the hiring of a cinema to watch one of my favourite movies of the 80s, ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ with some of my bestest. I didn’t think the day could get better until a laptop was plonked in front of me and a very special birthday message delivered. Truly speechless at how blessed I am to have certain people in my life.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I’m not sure how much more satisfying it would have made my year, but it would have been nice to have not been proved wrong – again. However, I think I always knew that was asking a little bit too much. Still I hoped, perhaps part of me still does.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I continued to think about getting “grown-up” clothes, without actually succeeding. I increased my Converse collection with the most kick-ass pair of Batman Converse Chucks as well as adding to my t-shirt collection.

What kept you sane?
My (in)sanity. I’m glad that they choose to keep me.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Definite crush on Adam Richman this year, although I have to say I was transfixed every time Zoe Saldana’s Calvin Klein ad came on. Seriously, wow.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The whole Con-DemNation fiasco had me literally shaking my head. All that work my party did to establish themselves as a viable third option for government has pretty much been washed down the drain ever since they formed the coalition government. With the recent tuition fees drama there’s no way they’ll ever gain as much momentum as they had, those students have many General Elections ahead of them. They won’t forget.

Who did you miss?
I kinda miss the way I was in 2009. I don’t know, in many ways I felt happier. I think I was a bit more grown-up than I like to be this year.

Who was the best new person you met?
This year there were a lot of meetings of people I’ve known for a long time but for whatever reason, usually geography, I hadn’t actually met yet. It was nice to finally add actual moments to the ones we’d already had.

Tell us a valuable lesson you learnt in 2010:
We are who we are when no one else is looking. Thank you Rev Run!

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself?
I wasn’t there to hear it but apparently someone I think the world of, thinks highly of me, and they’re not afraid of telling people that.

The most touching experience you’ve had this year?
The time that people made for me, especially the ABM peeps and the NYers. Whether it was for an interview or simply to go and share some food. A lot of people made time for me this year. It means the world that I matter enough that they would spend the time, there are many who haven’t.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
I made the decision to not give them the choice to let me down again.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
I wouldn’t say hate, but I disliked the fact that I worked to deadline. I thought I’d know better by now.

Was 2010 a good year for you?
It was an okay year. It wasn’t my worst, but nowhere near my best. I think it was a year of highs and lows, the beginning part was good and then it sort of took a dip, and now I think it’s levelling out. In fairness it had a lot to live up to.

Where were you when 2010 began?
In my living room eating Red Velvet cupcakes and watching the fireworks on TV after struggling to get home from my first New Year’s Eve where I was crazy enough to go into the West End.

Who were you with?
G and Jan, as I tend to spend the beginning of most years.

Where will you be when 2010 ends?
As it’s in 5hrs I think I think I’m going to spend a quiet night indoors for once.

Who will you be with when 2010 ends?
The family.

Do you have a resolution for 2011?
No resolutions, but I’m going to try and be happy again. This whole “not unhappy” thing just feels like a waste.

What was your favourite month of 2010?
April. It wasn’t what I expected it to be, but like so much of my life, it was what it needed to be.

What was your favourite record from 2010?
I was loving the Glee soundtrack this year, really loving it. And surprisingly (well, kind of) the Legally Blonde Musical soundtrack. I really didn’t expect to enjoy that show as much as I did.

How many concerts and shows did you see in 2010?
There were a few…Wicked, Legally Blonde, Oliver, Dirty Dancing, Jersey Boys, Billy Elliot, and Les Mis. The most memorable though was finally getting to see Whoopi Goldberg in her final performance of Sister Act. She is a true legend.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2010?
More than I’ve possibly drunk in any one year, not to say it was a lot, but definitely more.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Nope, no shame here.

How much money did you spend in 2010?
Um…almost all of it?

If you could go back in time to any one moment of 2010 and change something, what would it be?
Everything happens for a reason, though there are some things I perhaps shouldn’t have done, but I hope I have learnt from them.

What are your plans for 2011?
There’s talk of Cuba, and Cambodia, and Copenhagen. Of the three I think Copenhagen is most likely. I hope to make something more out of ABM Fans, it deserves more. I plan to be financially sounds next year, I plan that every year, but I think it might actually happen this time! I think that’s it for now. Life generally takes me where I need to be.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I think I’m more appreciative of what I have. I’m figuring out what makes me happy and realising that those things and people that don’t, have no room in my life. I’m a bit more of a grown-up, but in many ways still a kid. I think I’m still pretty much me.

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Brooklynite. Not only did he cross the ocean, he told me exactly what I needed when I needed to hear it, every time. We walked in each other’s respective cities and we enjoyed life. I am grateful he didn’t get himself killed during the England Vs USA game, that would’ve been difficult to explain to his loved ones.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I wouldn’t say I was depressed, and I can’t necessarily say I was appalled either, but there were certainly a few people whose behaviour disappointed me.

What are your wishes for the new year?
That I find my happiness, or at least more things to put in the “Yes” column.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Kiss today goodbye, the sweetness and the sorrow. Wish me luck, the same to you. But I can’t regret what I did for love.” This is the song that played on shuffle after I’d gotten those messages (yes, I was listening to my Glee playlist at the time!). I knew what I had to do. The ensuing 50 block lecture only confirmed it.

All that time you spent, I told you I listened. I heard everything you said, if only you hadn’t been bashing me over the head with who I am at the same time, you might have noticed. I was who you wanted me to be. If you hadn’t pushed me to the point where I had to push you away, if you had shown me in any small way you wanted me in your life, if you had only believed in me the way I did in you.

…I might still be yours.

This week I was left in charge once again at the job and it has been far from fun. Even more than usual, this week has been difficult. Gra’s in India. Only fair, I spent 2½ weeks swanning around the US. We take turns. I always face Graham’s absence with some fear, but this time more than most. It’s a comfort thing. I am more than happy to help but at the end of the day, I would prefer that the decisions that have to be made aren’t mine to make. I have always been this way, I will do whatever needs to be done but the minute it actually becomes my responsibility to do those things then I don’t want it. That approach can be good and bad. Eventually though it leads to the point when people start to take notice of the work that you do. They realise that you’re more than capable of doing more than the role you currently fill. Recognition is always nice. However, that can be good and bad too.

It’s that time again. That moment when people have decided I need to stop “coasting along in first gear” as my actual boss put it. I have been recognised. I have been selected. I have been handed an opportunity that I need to “grab with both hands” – again my actual boss’ words. This is how I know it’s serious, my seizing of this opportunity will put him at a disadvantage when he returns, and still he thinks I should take it. Without going into specifics, things are happening at the job and steps need to be taken in order to remedy them. I, along with Graham, have been selected to be part of a team to do just that. Fix it. I have been told repeatedly that the fact we have been chosen to do this speaks volumes for the work that we do, and I realise that.

It was offered to me in a way that I had a choice on whether not to accept the role. Only, it doesn’t feel like I had much of a choice. I have realised this year more than most that I am at that point in my life now where I have to do things for me. I may be using the current economy as a reason to stay at the job, but it’s a big organisation and there are many roles that I could do. I have potentially over 30yrs left of employment, and the concept of a “job for life” seems an antiquated concept. As much as I am good at what I do, and as much as I truly enjoy the company of the people at the job, I know that I don’t want to be doing what I am doing for the rest of my working life. I need to be doing something more.

This realisation is partly why I have been working so hard on ABMFans. It is not only a way in which I believe I can genuinely help a show that I love, it also helps me. It is my project. It shows me, and others, what I am capable of producing. Ever since I got back my schedule is pretty much wake up, be at the job by around 8.30pm, leave some time around 4pm, be home around 5pm, catch-up on e-mails and other stuff, by 6/7pm work on ABM Fans, around midnight go to sleep. Every day this is what I do: the job that pays the bills, and then the job that I actually love. Both allowing me a chance to figure out what it is I want to do.

So here I am with this great opportunity being handed to me, what’s my problem? I am abandoning my team. I have chosen me over them, and they know it. Without Graham or I there, there is no one looking out for them. There is no one to act as that buffer, that comfort, that sounding board when they know the answer but they just need to make sure. I know it, because I use them for that exact same reason. I cannot count the number of times I have thrown my hands up at my computer screen or let out a loud sigh and had one of them wheel over in their chair to look at what it is that has caused the reaction. They don’t even have to know the answer, they just need to listen to me moan and gripe for that moment and then I’m okay. They are the ones that truly keep me sane when everything else appears intent on driving me insane. They are my support structure. They are the ones who enable me to do what it is I do that has caused me to be recognised. And I am leaving them to fend for themselves.

I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt – perhaps more than I believe anything else, that I am who I am because of the people I have in my life. If you look at me and you see a good person, a capable person, a person who you believe to be someone you want in your life, know that it is because I am a product of the people that I know. I do not take any credit for it. The people in my life are that amazing that I am forever striving to be someone who deserves to have them in their life. That is why I am who I am. No doubt in my mind to the truth of that statement. Doing this, though I know that it is the best thing for me feels like a betrayal. A betrayal that I would rather step in the path of a bullet for if it meant I did not have to carry it out. That’s why I keep saying, “Shoot me.” Shoot me and let me not have to do this.

One of my favourite people at the job came to talk to me today. She came to find me because yesterday I went to find her, she is one of the people that I wanted to see before I left. My one time boss’ boss’ boss, for reasons that will forever remain a mystery to me, didn’t get the job she was doing when the department was reorganised. Biggest mistake. The only way I can describe her is to say she is like sunshine. Quite literally having her there, makes the day better. She may not be around by the time I get back, so I needed to see her. And as I knew she would, she made things better. She has a way about her that makes me open up and talk to her – those who know me understand how difficult that can sometimes be. I talked through my concerns, my thoughts about the whole move, and she understood exactly where I was coming from. She took my number and said that she’s going to come and see me at the new building and we’re going to go for coffee or lunch. I’m not even part of her team anymore, but we will forever be her team. This is why she’s sunshine.

My concerns for what is to come have lessened today because of the conversations I have had and the plans that I have put into place. The relationships I have built over the past few years are proving their strength as the news of the move has spread. Those that have supported me I have asked to do the same for the guys in my absence, and I have faith that they will. For the first time all week I realise that the support we have built amongst our team, the friendships we have formed, they allow us to stand – fully supported, even when it looks as though we are standing alone.

There are things I knew then that I appear to have forgotten. Clarity that somehow became clouded. Steps I had taken that I appear to have gone back on. I need to figure it out again. The knowledge is there somewhere, perhaps it’s time to clear things out of my head in order to give it space to come to the forefront. First step, back to my homework.

“I used to think that it was enough to not be unhappy, and some days that is enough; but it’s no way to live. I think that once you decide what it is that makes you happy then that’s a third of the battle won. The other thirds being making that your life, and keeping it so. None of these tasks are easy.

It’s taken me a long time to figure what it is, and who it is that makes me happy, and I don’t think I’m done yet. That’s not to say that everything I choose to keep in my life always makes me smile, sometimes it’s hard and a little more work than I would hope, but I’ve tried to live without some parts and I’ve learnt that I just don’t function without them.

I’ve stopped running after certain things, maybe with age I just can’t do it anymore. More though I think that when we stop chasing that which eludes us, if it’s supposed to be ours then it’ll stop and wonder where you’ve gotten to and come and find you. Sometimes it takes our absence for people to realise that we matter. Sometimes it takes their absence for us to realise that we no longer need them. Those that are in my life are there for one simple reason – I choose to keep them.

I’ve never been one for big gestures or outbursts. I keep a lot of what I think and feel to myself, and that isn’t always a good thing, or a bad one at that. Sometimes a person’s actions will illicit little more than a raised eyebrow, and sometimes the smallest of things will cause me to get up and leave. I hope that through my actions, if not my words, those that matter know that they do.

When I was younger, one of my teachers said that they’d love to know what goes on inside my head. It’s really not that exciting in there. I’m not that complicated. I smile at the simplest of things. I am moved by the most basic of human gestures. Though I try not to, I can get angry over the most seemingly inconsequential matters. Sometimes I spend too much time in my own head. I can, and have, been hurt deeply by those that I care about the most.

I think that everything happens for a reason, not always a good one – but a reason none the less. Just when you think you’ve started to understand how it all works and who people are something might happen that will surprise you and you won’t know which way is up anymore. I believe a person should treat others as they would want to be treated. At times I forget that and I’ll say things that I later wish I hadn’t.

I’m not perfect, but I’ve never intentionally tried to hurt someone. I would never want to be that person. I try to be the best person I can be; some days are harder than others. What I expect of myself is far more than I would ever ask of others. That is my choice, as are many things in my life. I’m just me. No more, and certainly no less.”

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Benjamin Button